BTW I’m going through my ask box and catching up on all of the messages I neglected yesterday. Because saving Sashi is still very important I’m not spamming my blog with anon asks so when people go to it they can scroll through and read about her and what’s going on.
But I am responding privately to all people with accounts. (Obviously I can’t reply privately if you don’t have an account. XD)
T_T Oh crap I got sick. Runny nose, itchy throat, and I’m sneezing eeeeeeeeverywhere. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
I’ve had half a lemon for the vitamin C, SOOO much tea, and raw garlic. I made home-made garlic bread with raw garlic on it! It was delicious.
SO YOU CAN STOP RUNNING NOW, NOSE. I would like to go actual running and I have stuff to do. Stop it right now. Way more important things are happening. D:
Today she’ll be contacting the doctor that she’ll be working with.
All of this was raised in the past 17 hours. My deepest thanks and love go out to each and every person who has donated. I can hardly wait to see my closest friend finally out of pain. <3
I’m about to head to bed [I’m still so wired and still getting so many messages, but it’s 5:30am], but I wanted to make one last post first.
There’s a couple of people here on tumblr who are skeptical and seem rather angry about it, and it’s fine. Man, you should be skeptical. A total stranger is getting sent money without evidence? Yeah, you should be skeptical! So I’ll try to answer some of the inquiries I’ve seen.
I am not saying, nor have I ever said that I was dying from endometriosis. It’s the cysts and tumors that have completely destroyed my ovaries, are crushing my uterus, and are crushing and damaging my intestines [causing blockages and internal bleeding] that are killing me.
You are right, I know jack shit about endo. Hell, I didn’t even know it existed until two weeks ago. I have suffered from this pain since my adolescence and have been misdiagnosed time and time again by many, many different doctors. That’s the story of many women, apparently. Because it was affecting my digestive system, most doctors looked into IBS or Krohn’s or UC. Several doctors went as far as to assume that it was mental, giving me antidepressants or trying to send me to therapy. My all time favorite were the doctors who assumed I was lying to either get pain meds or get attention or something. Always a fun blow to the spirit. The doctor I saw a few weeks ago after spending a night in the Emergency Room was the first doctor to look into endo. I got a CT scan in the ER which first showed signs of cysts. Then I got an ultrasound that found several cysts and tumors, and that they were far larger than expected and just wrecking my shit. I have not, in fact, had the laparoscopy done to finalize the endo diagnosis [despite how blatantly clear to my doctors it is that I have it] because I can’t afford it yet.
But I reiterate, the endo isn’t the problem, it’s the catalyst. It’s the match that started the blaze, but it’s not the actual fire destroying everything.
I have a few messages in my askbox and there are some posts in my tracked tags saying “show me one case of this being fatal!” or “you are lying, this isn’t fatal” etc etc. I haven’t researched anything, so I can’t spout out any details to you. But I can point you towards Kim Rhodes, the amazingly talented actress who has had multiple surgeries for exactly this and almost died. Or the several dozen women in my askbox who suffer from endo and have their own similar near death stories. The three girls who got cancer from it.
I’m happy that neither your life nor the lives of anyone you know have been put in jeopardy from this, I truly am. And it IS a sucky, horribly painful disease at any stage. But this is what is happening to me and I never said this is what endo is like; it’s entirely up to you if you want to believe me or not. I don’t have physical proof lying around in my home because this was never supposed to happen. I didn’t think to ask my doctor for a copy of my paperwork “just in case I have to prove myself to the internet some day”. All I have is my word and the word of the many people who know me here and have stuck by me through this. They believe me and have watched me in pain long enough to know this is real, so they started all of this.
And I want to make this clear. This was never my idea. In fact, I was all but forced kicking and screaming into this because I hate to ask for help and money. But it’s happening now and I am so moved and touched by just how many people care and want to help in any way they can.
Tonight was beautiful. Tonight the internet made something that only happens in movies a reality, and I’m just still in total shock. I keep randomly crying and I have been shaking this whole time. I just. It is impossible for me to thank you all enough. It started off as an SPN family thing, and then it just branched out to all of tumblr, and is now on twitter and even facebook and I just cannot even wrap my brain around it.
Okay, I need to stop, I need to find my way to my bed before I just pass out here. But really, guys. Thank you all so much for this overwhelming support. I have SO many messages filled with love and kindness and I just… yeah, you get the picture. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I understand being skeptical, too. It’s not like this was planned out in advance. And for something NOT planned and with NO proof this is a miracle.
So I understand being skeptical. I do. But it’s difficult to not let my emotions get in the way. I’ve been close to Sashi for years. I’ve watched her health deteriorate from sometimes food being painful to digest/vomited back up to almost every single time it comes right back up and the pain is nearly unbearable. For the record, it turns out this is due to her tumors pushing on her internal organs.
I just wrote a massive sentence about her deteriorating health and deleted it. I’ve watched it happen. I’ve watched a woman I love, the woman I respect, my best friend in every sense of the term, deteriorate to the point that keeping down liquids is considered an accomplishment. I’ve watched my best friend creep closer and closer to death. And I’ve been helpless.
I don’t know if I can really express how amazing it is to know that she has endometriosis - to know about the tumors. For years upon years (since before I knew her) *nobody* knew what was wrong with her. Sometimes it felt hopeless.
A year ago I drove her to the ER. I yelled at a doctor for the first time in my life. Sashi hadn’t held anything down beyond vitamin supplements and water for a while - over a week. I told the doctor this and he pointed at her chart and said “if that was true these results would be different.” So I yelled. I asked if he was calling us liars. And he repeated himself. I pushed and pushed to try to get them to understand how important this is and we got shoved out the door with two painkillers and a referral to maybe go see someone else.
Later on we found out he wrote things in her chart about how we lied, about how it wasn’t that bad, and specifically about how we kept laughing. Yes. Laughing. That’s what I fucking do I make people laugh. That’s what I’m good at. I’m good at making people laugh. And I’m REALLY good at making Sashi laugh. So when her world is crashing down around her and she’s laying on an ER bed at 2am damn straight I’m going to do everything in my power to make her laugh. If I can ease the pain or ease her mind just a little bit then I’m doing the right thing. But no. Because we weren’t sobbing and quiet clearly we’re lying. She isn’t allowed to have a good attitude about her debilitation medical condition.
Okay. I sidetracked. This post is personal, it’s not meant to prove anything to anyone, it’s just meant to vent. I’m trying to be understanding with the haters. I really am. But when I’ve experienced as much of her disease as I have, when I’ve watched someone I can’t bare to think of loosing slipping away, I get angry. I want to scream at them about her chronic pain, about the hopelessness, about the doctors who constantly treated her (and me, or her roommate) like we were there for drugs. About the sicknesses when we traveled, about planning our trips (pacing, location, hotel, food, transportation) around her deteriorating health. And then just crossing our fingers and hoping she gets to come out of the hotel room long enough to have some fun.
And to finally have a ray of hope. Not even a ray. A whole fucking sun of hope. WE KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER! Every time I stop and think about this the sobbing starts again. We KNOW she has tumors. We KNOW they’re pushing on her organs. We KNOW why there’s internal bleeding. And we KNOW it will STOP when she gets the tumors and her ovaries removed.
Thanks to the power of the internet this is going to be possible. So I get a little huffy when someone tries to rain on this amazing parade. And I wanted to vent. Thank you for reading.
I’ll be vlogging tonight and covering what’s going on in video form. Maybe blogging more I don’t know. I just woke up and I need to go for my Wednesday run. Which I think I might have to wait until later to do. I’m shaking too hard - I need food and water and to just sit here for an hour.
I love you, internet.
- him: You know, if you get the surgery from her [Kim Rhodes] doctor, you can play six degrees of separation via physical touch.
- me: *GASP* I will have touched him who touched Kim Rhodes who kissed Jim Beaver who has hugged Jared and Jensen :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
- him: EXACTLY!
- me: :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD hang on, gotta post this on tumblr
- him: You might 12!
[this is actually very hard to force myself to do because I was SERIOUSLY against this in the first place…but I can’t stop this train now]
~You can donate money of any amount to my paypal: firstname.lastname@example.org
~No I don’t have other methods of donation set up, I wasn’t ever intending to take donations, so NOTHING is set up for this. Uh. Does the tumblr Mel set up have anything? I don’t know. Go poke donateforsashi and see what they might have set up.
~At this very moment, I have received $17,440 and I cannot even BEGIN to wrap my brain around this unfathomable number.
~ I also do not have proof on me other than emergency bills? Like I said, this was not planned. I wasn’t the one that made the post that started everything, I didn’t even know this was going to happen. I was content on distracting myself with SPN episodes and video games, but I came back to tumblr and this AMAZING PROOF OF THE BEAUTY IN HUMANITY happened.
~ I have gotten two, only two [which is amazing] messages trying to call me out as a liar because I “don’t look sick”. I’m not even remotely mad about this because it’s just silly. What do you think tumors make people look like? Yes, endometriosis CAN kill women in severe cases if gone untreated, because it creates cysts and tumors that destroy your internal organs. But yeah, I’m not mad, I understand that people just simply don’t understand. And that’s fine.
I just want to say thank you again. Because I can’t stop thanking you all enough. This is absolutely overwhelming, completely unexpected, and so god damned beautiful. Family truly doesn’t end with blood, and I love you all so freaking much. Thank you for not only opening your hearts and wallets, but giving me the strength to keep going.
every time I think I can’t cry more, it just starts all over again. askfjahfsf
Kim Rhodes, Julie Mcniven, Richard Speight Jr, and Mark Sheppard… jfc… I can’t… omg…
Haha omg I consider myself FARRRRRRR from a champ. Mike’s like some kind of streaming god. He constantly puts together these setups I don’t even remotely understand how they work. I think he’s a wizard.
Okay internet I’m off to run errands. I’l be back in a little bit to answer whatever you ask while I’m gone.
BE GOOD WHILE I’M SHOPPING. DON’T HIT THE OTHER KIDS.